Have you ever walked away from a conversation ruminating on what you could have said better? Worried that you weren't engaging enough, or that a misstep might have left the wrong impression? If networking or simply engaging in social conversations feels daunting, I've been there, struggling with these thoughts for decades. Going through my coach training while also working with an exceptional coach helped me to better understand myself and the nagging voice in my head, and to become aware of my assumptions.

In fact, our conversation partners might be more concerned with themselves and probably don’t even notice the mistakes we think we make. So, we can take a deep, relieving breath - people probably like us more than we think. Self-critical thoughts cloud our ability to see clearly, leading us to misinterpret someone else’s impression of us. In the workplace this can even impact our willingness to ask colleagues for help, provide honest feedback, and choose to work together, as this Harvard Business Review article wonderfully describes: https://hbr.org/2024/02/people-probably-like-you-more-than-you-think

The good news is, you can do something to better align your perception with reality. Shifting your focus of attention from yourself to your conversation partner will help you to be less self-conscious. Be genuinely curious, ask more questions, and really listen. In short, become more present in your conversations.

Here are some steps that might help you to shift your attention away from yourself and onto others.

1. Intention:
   Enter the conversation with the intention to focus more on the other person than on yourself. The goal is to understand, not to be understood.

2. Open-Ended Questions:
   Ask questions that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Aim for questions that encourage to share thoughts or experiences.
   

3. Active Listening:
   Pay close attention to responses and the meaning behind the words.

4. Reflect and Clarify:
   Periodically, paraphrase what you've heard to confirm your understanding. This shows you're listening and helps clarify any misunderstandings.

5. Shift Focus:
   When you notice your attention drifting back to yourself, redirect it to your conversation partner. Focus on their words, tone, and body language.

6. Follow-Up Questions:
   Keep the conversation flowing with follow-up questions based on their responses. This demonstrates genuine interest and helps deepen the conversation.
   

7. Reflect:
   After the conversation consider what you learned about the other person and how focusing on them affected your self-consciousness. Note moments where you found it challenging to maintain presence. How did shifting your focus outside of yourself change the dynamic of the conversation?
   

8. Repeat:
   Practice this exercise in different conversations throughout the week.

Lilian Neunhoeffer is a top Executive Coach in NYC, transforming executives into conscious leaders radiating empathy, confidence, and heart. Learn more about working with her.